di wrote:I asked him what will he do if he finds out what he is doing is not true. He said it just had to be right. If it did not work out, he would drink himself to death. I have tried everything, said everything, but nothing works. I have even said mean and nasty pointed things, and even though they hurt him, it made no difference. I do not understand, we loved each other so much. He tells me he still loves me but he is compelled. It hurts ... too much. This cannot be happening.
Dearest DI,
Hope my words will give you some relief. I do understand your position very well because I've been through the same with
a small or big difference:
I was a BK and He was a non-BK when we met many years ago ... Therefore I can understand how you feel (being a woman myself) but I can also understand how he feels and why at the moment
he cannot avoid doing what he does ... I am not a native English speaker but I'll try my best to make my point clear for you.
I met him when I'd already been 5 years in Gyan. The Honeymoon Period as a BK had finished and I was going through a terrible period due to the SS-like relationship and atmosphere imposed by the sisters at the center I was attending. (By "SS-like", I truly mean Hitler's SS ...)
I became a BK in a foreign country and after two years I decided to go back to ... for the sake of service of humanity ... :roll: :roll:. And that was the beginning of a hellish period! One day I left the center crying hopelessly... I was crying on the street, on the bus and finally on the train (I was living 200 KMs away from the center as it was the only center in the whole country run by foreigner sisters and I was the first BK in my own country ... ). I was sad, lonely and depressed. And it was then that a handsome young man asked me in a very sweet way, what was wrong with me and if he could help me in any way. He was so gentle and caring and did not know me at all ... I was touched by his behaviour and started talking to him. At the end of the trip I had the feeling of knowing him for ages ... I had told him about my BK-ism and about my problems with the sisters-in charge. And before leaving he gave me his phone number and told me that if I ever needed a friend to talk to I should have called him.
After 2 weeks I called him and we went out for an icecream. We continued to meet sometimes as I was completely alone in that town. After 2 months of our friendship, he suddendly told me that he was in love with me and wanted to be with me. I was shocked I sincerely hadn't imagined anything like that. My behaviour towards him had been completely friendly and I had never noticed any particular interest from him. Further I was a few years older than him and dressed as a BK with long skirts, large white blouses and no make up at all, could not believe that a young man like him could have any interest in me. I was in upheaval for a while then after a particularly nasty action from those two sisters at the center I told them that I wanted to leave the BK. I wrote a long letter to the Seniors and honestly explained every single thing and left.
I called the guy and told him that I was out of it. I added that I was feeling something for him too but I did not want to have a sexual relationship. His reply was that he loved me so much for my generosity, my warmth, my enthusiasm etc., that
he was ready to be with me even without any sex ... and so our relationship started. The first period was like paradise we were doing everything together but slept in different rooms. Then one day we made love together and the relationship changed, because I changed!! :cry: :cry:.
I did like it and we slept together several times and we enjoied it both very much! But then slowly and silently something inside myself started to change and to poison my life ... I don't know why but I couldn't help it ... I started to have nightmares. I was seeing in my dreams that my boyfriend had died because of me ... it was my fault, now I can understand that I was probably feeling guilty (on a subconscious level) for killing him spiritually ... As you may know, according to BK knowledge, sex-lust kills our higher consciouness = our soul consciounsness, in other words it kills the soul. Therefore as pukka (strong dedicated) BK we think that what the world considers an act of love is in reality the worst thing we can do to someone we love and to ourselves too. I am not saying this is right, I am just expressing what I was subconsciously thinking in that period.
Then I started to feel insecure about myself, my look. I started to become jealous of him. I would sleep with him because I wanted it and straight afterwards I would find an excuse to fight with him. I went through a period of real hell on hearth and took that poor guy with me. At that point I was in love with him too but my soul was like torn apart. I hated myself for what I was doing to him but could not help doing it. It's difficult to explain in words how we feel in such a situation.
On one side you have your human love, your feelings and your need for your companion and on the other side you've got your feelings of guilt, your desperation, your sensation of having become unworthy cause you've betrayed GOD by starting a lokik relationship and last but not least you have to cope with your fears. A deep intense fear that follows you like a shadow in any moment of your life as a couple. I believe that's the reason why people in such a situation behave in the way your husband is behaving and as I myself was behaving. It is not because we do not care, we do not love it's just because of desperation and of and immense FEAR on a subconscious level.
I will cut my story short now as I am not very good at writing long messages. But I can say that he was admirably courageous and patient with me. He was there with me when I went back to the BKs. He even joined himself the BKs for a while. Then after a period he stopped because many thing did not make sense to him but at the same time letting me free to continue.
He helped me in any ways and today we're still together! I am not a BK anymore because of my disappointment and of the same reasons as most of you here. He had warned me in the past about some things but at that time I did not believe him and told him he was saying those things because of "his impurity". Only now I realised he was right and I was wrong. You know DI, somehow I feel that it could be the same for you.
I am not saying you should become a BK not at all!
Just try for a while to see his behaviour from a different point of view (I hope my experience will help you in that). Give yourself this opportunity
at least for a short period and see what happens!!!. Let him free to be a BK. Don't tell him anything negative anymore. Don't force him to choose between you and the BKs as in this moment you would loose. Just give him time. Don't judge him if sometimes he needs your love and affection on physical level ... and don't point out to him that this is not "following purity". Give him the space and the time to understand and I'sure he will. I hope God will give you the courage to try ...
I send you all my love and sincere affection.
Adikari.
